when do you tell the truth?

A lot of family and friends have been asking me how I feel since my face has lost a significant amount of water weight. I smile and say "I am alright", most of the time. Some days or people I can't just say that too, they can read through me. Honest? I am going through one of the hardest things in my life thus far... but how do you say that to people? If I said well I feel awful, I feel like I have no control, I feel lost, miserable some days and I feel like the old me other days. Telling everyone that I am alright keeps me from crying or doing everything I can to not cry in front of everyone who asks. A friends dad was over the other day buying something from Kellen and I and it meant so much to me that he cared about me enough to stay around and ask me how I have been but as I started to talk I couldn't keep talking without the tears.. I walked inside as soon as he left and as my sister also started to talk to me about it I broke down in her arms. Another reason it is hard to tell everyone what REALLY is going on with me is I don't know how some people will react, I don't know if they want the simple answer or if they want me to sit them down and tell them what is really going on with me. I can't get off the steroids no matter how many prayers, blessings and hope I have it seems. I am terrified after my colonoscopy, visiting the surgeon and knowing that taking my entire colon out is a serious option... a 3 step procedure that could take a year to do. I have not told many people about this because I don't want this and I try to never think about it even being an option and think I am going to be better this time but it never seems like I am. We do have one or two more options before we turn to the surgery but they are all a bit scary as well as the surgery. I am ready to know what option I should do and which will work. Kellen and I go to peoples houses and I honestly sit in the car while he goes in to visit or do whatever needed because I am embarressed of all the water weight. Some poeple have no idea what is going on with me and it is embarrassing to me. Have you ever not had control over something you want and have wanted your entire life? I have wanted to be a mom my entire life and I have been so excited knowing that Kellen will be a dad to our babies and once we got married we talked about when we wanted to start our family... we have no control over when we get to start our family and I think this is the hardest thing out of all of this mess.. Most husband and wifes get together and decide that they want to start their family or add to their family.. Kellen and I decided when and now we honestly don't have a say at all. The doctors get to decide and my body. I know I am so incredibly blessed to have the husband, family and doctors I have. I would not have made it through any of this without them. They are amazing and have made me feel like everything will work out in the end.

lets talk steroids

A while back I said lets hope I never have to get on steroids again. Well I am tapering off of my fourth round. I started them for the fourth time on Halloween and I will be done MONDAY:)
My face got massive this last round. don't believe me? just ask people in my ward. I have had many comments on my lovely fat face. Some that have stuck out are like this..
- The lady puffs her face nice and big then says.. "you must be on steroids"
- Another lady said "oh Melissa, did you get your wisdom teeth out?"
Yes, I did get them out on the third round of steroids but it was two months earlier lol
- My cousin who hasn't seen me at all with a fat face came for Christmas. He saw me and was totally shocked. He said "wow you look like you should weigh 300 pounds" then continues to touch my face and ask if it hurts... its water weight! lol
It is a good thing I know this fat face is not forever. I have lost a little of the water weight recently and it makes me beyond happy. I can't even describe how happy it makes me.
The steroids have other effects than just the water weight.
They make me super depressed (anxiety meds have helped a ton!). I have found myself hiding out in my room for a day or ignoring people for no apparent reason.. I do not like the person I am while on the steroids. I am soooo excited to be done and begin to be Melissa again :)
I had another colonoscopy recently and had the biggest scare but with my husband, family and doctor right by my side I keep fighting this crap. It has made me a stronger girl thats for sure. One thing that has kept me going is my dream to be a mom. When things get hard and I just cry and cry I just say to myself that I need to keep going to get my body healthy so I can be a mom!!

Thank you Kellen for being there with me through it all. He is an amazing husband! He takes care of me every single day and doesn't ever complain even when it feels like I have been sick our entire marriage.
Thank you family for being there for me to support my decisions. Thank you mom for going with me to my doctor appointments and helping me understand my own disease.
Thank you Edward (my doc) for allllllll he has done. He is the best doctor!!!

I am in love with Pinterest!!

I found this cute idea on pinterest the other day and decided to make it with the kids I watch to give to their mom's and dad's for Christmas.

isn't it so cute? it wasn't the easiest thing to make with a one year old (Thank you Emily for your help) but I love it and I hope their parents love them as well.

I can't wait to make many more things I have found on pinterest lol

Christmas is in a couple days and I am beyond excited to spend it with our families :)

best dog ever!

I don't want to brag or anything but we basically have the BEST dog ever!

Duke may be a bit large... ok he is HUGE and he is still just a baby but he is amazing. Kellen and I seriously are so lucky we got such a good dog. Duke never goes potty in the house and is so sweet and gentle. One thing I love about Duke is we can take him on walks with out a leash because he just stays by our side. Even if he spots another dog or kids running around he will stay right by Kellen and I.

Duke is so lucky his cousin Penelope comes to play once a week usually.. they are BEST friends lol even though she is a tiny pug and he is huge they are so cute together. They literally kiss when they see each other and Duke walks her to her car when she leaves. lol

It is crazy to look at pictures of when we first got him. He has grown so much. He is stubborn like crazy and whenever he gets a bath he decides he wants to play in the dirt or mud but we are so glad he is ours :)

Easton :)

Last week Kellen and I were able to watch our nephew Easton for a couple days while his parents went on a vacation. Where do we begin to tell you how much fun we had with Mr. Easton!
He has the funniest and sweetest personality. He was so funny and loved to beat up uncle Kellen! hahaha I wish I would have made a video of him beating up Kellen... it was priceless.

We enjoyed every minute we got to spend with him and we were so sad when he went back to St. George. Kellen keeps saying he better not forget him lol Thank you Chet & Erin for letting Easton stay with us.. We just love him :)

scary man!

Halloween we have decided is not fun with no kids around. lol but we dressed up and had a fun day on Saturday to celebrate.
We decided to be a cowboy & cowgirl!

On Friday night we went to a haunted forest with some friends. I have never EVER been to anything scary. For some reason I decided to try it this year...

Skylar, Shantel, Kellen, Me, Ashli & Austin!

:)

I was so so so SO nervous but it was so much fun. Kellen was so sweet and let me basically break his arm the entire time but it was a very good haunted forest lol for some reason.. this freak above was the thing that scared me the most. He would follow me every where I went because of some girl named Ashli who told him I was terrified of him and that it was my first time at a haunted forest. I would hide in Kellen's jacket but he ran away from me the last time the guy came up to me so I grabbed Shantel! Everyone wanted to get Shantel away from me so I could be scared alone (nice friends huh? lol)

I am so glad Kellen and I went to the haunted forest. We will be going again next year for sure! I just hope this ugly, scary dude is not there again lol

happiness

Three months after Kellen and I got married he started working for the company Ebay. We were so glad when he got this job! He enjoys it and they have amazing benefits. The bad part was he was going to have to work nights (3-1130) and weekends. They told him it would be about 6 months of nights. It was so incredibly hard to have him gone at night. I am a nanny and work in the day so we felt like we never ever had any time for just the two of us. After one year of nights we decided that we should pray that Kellen would get a new schedule since he had been trying for the longest time with no success. Two days after the prayer Kellen got amazing news.... he got a new schedule!!! He is now working in the day :) We were so happy we could hardly stand it. I called and told family and I told everyone who I saw. Today is his first DAY. It is weird to not have him home during the day and to wake up alone again but I am just giddy thinking he will be coming home in just a couple hours for the entire night!!! ahhhh. lol