becoming a parent

I have always wanted to be a mom, always! I knew that was my calling in life. I have heard from my parents that being a parent is not always easy. It is hard watching your kids go through life and having no control. The first time I felt what they were talking about is when Kohen came home for the first time. He would turn grey and stop breathing. Once Kellen and I got him breathing again I would break down and cry. Every time, no fail. After calling many doctors and having the NICU let us return even though they are not supposed to, we took Kohen back to the hospital. I remember just crying so hard I could not even tell the nurses what had been going on with Kohen. That is when the feeling hit me. I had no control of what is going to happen in his life. I want to protect my kids from every scratch, heart break, pain and sadness. When Hadley was born I was feeding her in the hospital. I thought she turned grey like Kohen did and started to freak out!! Once I felt she was fine, I broke down. I said to Kellen that I can not do this again. I felt so many emotions come over me. How am I supposed to protect TWO kids?
I took a look back at my life and how hard it must have been and still be for my parents. Broken bones, abusive relationships, trusting Kellen to become my husband, sneaking out, not attending church, driving long distances alone.. the list could go on and on. Parents have to be strong individuals to raise children.

I would not trade these two for anything. All the hard times are worth every second I have with them:)